The top ten questions we have about Donald Trump's campaign, which one assumes he is waging because he really, truly believes that he can and should be President of the United States:
1. When he inevitably goes bald as a result of the stress of the presidency, will he opt for hair plugs, or age 'naturally'?
2. Will he keep up his trademark tangerine glow by taking national security briefings from inside a tanning bed?
4. Will he select Vince McMahon, Miss USA, or one of 'the blacks' (with whom he has a fantastic relationship) to be his running mate?
5. Will 'Donald Trump The Fragrance' be sold in the White House gift shop?
6. Following his wildly successful stint as Mike Tyson's financial adviser, will he resolve the current American debt crisis by buying all of us Bentley's and Bengal tigers?
7. Given his concerns about a possible link between commonly-administered childhood vaccines and autism, will he volunteer his youngest child for an NIH study on the subject?
8. Will he locate his presidential library In his childhood home of New York, in one of his numerous luxury hotel properties around the globe, or on the half of Mount Rushmore that will not be re-chiseled to feature his face? Follow up: will the library have any books other than The Art of the Deal?
9. Can he prove that he is in fact a human born in America, and not, as the public has long suspected, a condensed cloud of Cheeto dust imported from Canada?
10. Will Melania Trump have time to continue her revolutionary forays into skin care product development and merchandising/QVC jewelry retailing as First Lady? Follow up: will she be physically able to cover up 85% of her breasts at any given time, or should we consider a nip slip a tragic inevitability and/or potential foreign policy coup de main?
tl;dr: YOU'RE FIRED.
