Economical with the Truth

Scary Movie MMXVI

Fri, 29 Apr 2016 09:32:10 -0700

Much like the heroine in the last twenty minutes of a gritty slasher-flick, it's become apparent to us that no one is coming to save America. That which we see around us is the end of the line, and the clothes on our backs are how we'll be found in a few months, once the smell starts to bother Canada and they call the authorities. There are ways of dying with dignity, but this isn't one of them. Perhaps if we'd made different choices? It's probably best, at this point, to stop agonising over the why's and wherefore's of how we ended up in this dingy basement and to begin making peace with our Maker.

We're speaking, of course, about our national kidnapper, 'ole Tiny Digits Trump himself. His coronation is not a sure thing. We could be saved by a riot, nuclear Armageddon - maybe even our one token black friend? But more realistically, we will watch any remaining hope evaporate over the next few months in the run-up to the GOP nominating convention. Trump misunderstands the American political system better than any professional politician of the last century. His rise has been noted with quantities of ink that are more analogous in size to the North Sea than to a single barrel. As a phenomenon, it has been disbelieved ('this can't be happening'), derided ('it's happening, but only amongst those who wear tinfoil hats'), and at times, impossibly debunked ('we've run the numbers again and can confirm that this isn't happening at all') by a journalistic class that cannot escape its own visceral reaction to a single man who has, in less than a year, destroyed decades of hallowed tradition.

His punch-drunk stumble towards the White House has been classed as and analysed in any number of literary and psychological frames. Trump has been diagnosed from afar with many mental illnesses, portrayed as everything from a modern William Jennings Bryan, to PT Barnum, to...Read More

The Very Trump-y Cabinet: A One-Man Show

Tue, 15 Mar 2016 10:16:55 -0700

The ides of March, dear readers, is upon us. The Trumpinator has collected the plurality of the votes cast today. He'll need to win an improbable 60% of the vote going forward to capture the nomination, which does offer a glimmer of hope to those of us who would rather chew glass for breakfast every day for four years than see a Trump presidency. But we've lost all faith in the GOP electorate, so we thought it might behove us to more seriously consider what a Trump presidency would look like. Where better to start than the Cabinet? Below is an excerpt of a dramatised news conference we pray will never take place.

CHARACTERS

TRUMP: a wizened dairy by-product and President-Elect of the United States

SETTING

Trump Tower, Manhattan, New York, New York, U.S.A.

TIME

Early winter, from whenceforth it shall never be Christmas

[TRUMP shuffles behind a makeshift podium set up in a dark corner of his office, his beady eyes casting about like an ageing shark in search of prey. The office is messy, with unread papers strewn about. A crumpled-up photograph of his daughter Ivanka, removed from its frame and stained with... hair gel? peaks out from underneath an untouched GAO report. TRUMP exacted his revenge upon the bald eagle which humiliated him months before during a Time magazine photoshoot; he now wears Uncle Sam as a headdress to cover his thinning hair and crippling self-loathing. He clears his throat, clenches his tiny fists together, and relaxes slightly as the red light comes on. He is in his element, broadcasting live to a captive audience of hundreds of millions, and it is finally time to unveil 'the greatest...Read More

The Unofficial (but officially a bad idea!) SEC Primary Drinking Game

Tue, 01 Mar 2016 10:06:14 -0800

To help our dear readers cope with an evening that will undoubtedly drive many of them to early liver cirrhosis, we've created a game for those keeping score at home, in a bar, or wherever grain alcohol is available - don't forget, friends: we're in this pre-destined hangover together.
Take one shot if you watch more than 90 consecutive seconds of cable news coverage (you'll likely want more than that to deal with the likes of MSNBC or Fox, but pace yourself - this is a marathon, not a sprint)
Take one shot if you choose to livestream new media coverage instead
Drink whenever a commentator describes Texas as a must-win state for Sen Cruz
Drink whenever a commentator explains why, from a numbers perspective, Texas is not actually a must-win state for Sen Cruz
Drink whenever the clip of Trump refusing to denounce David Duke of the KKK is looped
Drink whenever Trump's previous affiliations as a Democrat and Independent are referenced
Finish your drink whenever a commentator attempts to impersonate one of the major party candidates
Drink whenever one of the commentators refers to this presidential cycle as 'a wild ride'
Finish your drink whenever one of the major party candidates appears live to discuss the results on the news network of your choice
Drink whenever a candidate describes the primary race as a 'journey'
Take a shot if Dr Carson clears 10% in any state voting today
Drink whenever a commentator declares second place to be more significant than first
Drink whenever a commentator mentions the possibility of Gov Romney jumping into the race
Drink whenever a commentator mentions the possibility of Mayor Bloomberg jumping into the race
Drink whenever a commentator mentions the possibility of Vice President Biden jumping into the race
Finish your drink whenever Reagan's 11th Commandment is invoked
Finish your drink...Read More

The SEC Primary: A Case Study of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy

Mon, 29 Feb 2016 11:21:36 -0800

The first of the Super Tuesdays draws near. So as to not further confuse a nation which has clearly suffered major head trauma (more on that later), this one-day delegate bonanza is lovingly referred to as the SEC primary, for the predominance of NCAA Southeastern Conference states participating. All polling would indicate that PT Bullshit himself is set for a smashing victory (for professional satirists... and smashing defeat for republicanism and the American way). We concede that this slew of victories will, quite regrettably, produce a significant chunk of delegates for his nomination at the GOP convention in July.
If we are correct in predicting a red-letter day for toupee makers everywhere, it bears asking: how? Really and truly, how is this happening? The lamestream media has any number of theories about populist rage, latent lingering racism, and a new 'Silent Majority' ready to elect a man even more stunningly criminal and incompetent than 'They Can't Lick Our Dick' Nixon.
We reject such explanations as the babbling incoherence of an intelligentsia attempting to continue life as normal by engaging in their primary societal function: rationalisation of that which plainly cannot be rationalised. That which can be rationalised can be projected onto PowerPoints for unconsenting audiences, shopped around by legions of lobbyists, and discussed ad nauseum by the thousands of twenty-something staffers in Washington who labour under the delusion that they're living in one of the good seasons of House of Cards. Rationalisation of the utterly bizarre voting patterns of the American public keeps a well-lubricated machine of misinformation (and, in turn, an endless supply of well-lubricated interns) moving across the desks of the nation's capitol.
'The end of the world may be nigh, but by God we can still message...Read More

King Corn

Tue, 02 Feb 2016 21:00:00 -0800

Predictions for the Iowa Caucuses:
1. Donald Trump will come in first, third, fourth, and seventh in the GOP delegate count.
2. Jim Gilmore, Mike Huckabee, and Rick Santorum will beat the expectations game by reminding the public that they are, in fact, still running for president.
3. Sensing possible trouble from the large concentration of college students in Des Moines, the Notorious HRC will unhinge her jaw and swallow up the entirety of Polk County, and then slither to the Granite State, where she will digest for a week. The efficacy of this bold strategy will rest upon her ability to convince local law-and-order voters that as Commander in Chief, Hillary Clinton will do absolutely whatever it takes to protect Hillary Clinton.
4. Devastated by his second-place finish to a swirling vortex of hairspray and vitriol, Ted Cruz will suffer a full mental breakdown and insist upon carrying out the rest of his campaign wearing only a Superman cape and his trademark black cowboy boots. This will mercifully truncate a run that could accurately be described as 'a poor man's Greatest Show on Earth' and send Mr Cruz back to the Senate, Washington's most comfortable mental asylum.
5. The omniscient political punditry will gleefully announce that they correctly predicted that the results of this year's caucuses would be unpredictable.
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The Shouting Begins

Thu, 06 Aug 2015 07:44:42 -0700

Over the dull roar of horror and rage in our ears, we heard a wonderful new word during tonight's debate, coined by Gov. John Kasich. We are in awe of his courage, in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, to persist in the belief that there are no ideas too stupid to say out loud. Energised and inspired by this collective display of mediocrity and impotence in a time of crisis, we've decided to make the preservation of this bon mot our life's mission.
"Amiracle"
[ah-mir-uh-kuhl]
compound noun

The American miracle, condensed.
e.g.: Donald Trump is polling at 25% nationally; we can at this time confirm the death of the Amiracle.

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TRUMP'D

Mon, 15 Jun 2015 16:00:00 -0700

The top ten questions we have about Donald Trump's campaign, which one assumes he is waging because he really, truly believes that he can and should be President of the United States:
1. When he inevitably goes bald as a result of the stress of the presidency, will he opt for hair plugs, or age 'naturally'?
2. Will he keep up his trademark tangerine glow by taking national security briefings from inside a tanning bed?
3. Will he live in the White House, or in the Trump International Hotel, conveniently slated for completion in 2016?

4. Will he select Vince McMahon, Miss USA, or one of 'the blacks' (with whom he has a fantastic relationship) to be his running mate?

5. Will 'Donald Trump The Fragrance' be sold in the White House gift shop?

6. Following his wildly successful stint as Mike Tyson's financial adviser, will he resolve the current American debt crisis by buying all of us Bentley's and Bengal tigers?

7. Given his concerns about a possible link between commonly-administered childhood vaccines and autism, will he volunteer his youngest child for an NIH study on the subject?

8. Will he locate his presidential library In his childhood home of New York, in one of his numerous luxury hotel properties around the globe, or on the half of Mount Rushmore that will not be re-chiseled to feature his face? Follow up: will the library have any books other than The Art of the Deal?

9. Can he prove that he is in fact a human born in America, and not, as the public has long suspected, a condensed cloud of Cheeto dust imported from Canada?

10. Will Melania Trump have time to continue her revolutionary...Read More