Predictions for the Iowa Caucuses:
1. Donald Trump will come in first, third, fourth, and seventh in the GOP delegate count.
2. Jim Gilmore, Mike Huckabee, and Rick Santorum will beat the expectations game by reminding the public that they are, in fact, still running for president.
3. Sensing possible trouble from the large concentration of college students in Des Moines, the Notorious HRC will unhinge her jaw and swallow up the entirety of Polk County, and then slither to the Granite State, where she will digest for a week. The efficacy of this bold strategy will rest upon her ability to convince local law-and-order voters that as Commander in Chief, Hillary Clinton will do absolutely whatever it takes to protect Hillary Clinton.
4. Devastated by his second-place finish to a swirling vortex of hairspray and vitriol, Ted Cruz will suffer a full mental breakdown and insist upon carrying out the rest of his campaign wearing only a Superman cape and his trademark black cowboy boots. This will mercifully truncate a run that could accurately be described as 'a poor man's Greatest Show on Earth' and send Mr Cruz back to the Senate, Washington's most comfortable mental asylum.
5. The omniscient political punditry will gleefully announce that they correctly predicted that the results of this year's caucuses would be unpredictable.
