To help our dear readers cope with an evening that will undoubtedly drive many of them to early liver cirrhosis, we've created a game for those keeping score at home, in a bar, or wherever grain alcohol is available - don't forget, friends: we're in this pre-destined hangover together.
- Take one shot if you watch more than 90 consecutive seconds of cable news coverage (you'll likely want more than that to deal with the likes of MSNBC or Fox, but pace yourself - this is a marathon, not a sprint)
- Take one shot if you choose to livestream new media coverage instead
- Drink whenever a commentator describes Texas as a must-win state for Sen Cruz
- Drink whenever a commentator explains why, from a numbers perspective, Texas is not actually a must-win state for Sen Cruz
- Drink whenever the clip of Trump refusing to denounce David Duke of the KKK is looped
- Drink whenever Trump's previous affiliations as a Democrat and Independent are referenced
- Finish your drink whenever a commentator attempts to impersonate one of the major party candidates
- Drink whenever one of the commentators refers to this presidential cycle as 'a wild ride'
- Finish your drink whenever one of the major party candidates appears live to discuss the results on the news network of your choice
- Drink whenever a candidate describes the primary race as a 'journey'
- Take a shot if Dr Carson clears 10% in any state voting today
- Drink whenever a commentator declares second place to be more significant than first
- Drink whenever a commentator mentions the possibility of Gov Romney jumping into the race
- Drink whenever a commentator mentions the possibility of Mayor Bloomberg jumping into the race
- Drink whenever a commentator mentions the possibility of Vice President Biden jumping into the race
- Finish your drink whenever Reagan's 11th Commandment is invoked
- Finish your drink whenever a commentator indicates that a brokered convention is inevitable
- Finish your drink if any of the sub-presidential primary contests occurring today are mentioned
- Drink whenever the efficacy of Sen McConnell's Supreme Court vacancy strategy is called into question
- Drink whenever the glandular qualities of any candidate are mentioned by another candidate
- Drink whenever the phrase 'Make America Great Again' is used by Trump or another major party candidate (we imagine this would already be your natural inclination)
- Drink whenever the phrase 'Make Donald Drumpf Again' is used
- Drink whenever 'the black and/or African American vote' is referenced as a single voting bloc
- Drink whenever 'the Hispanic vote' is referenced as a single voting bloc
- Drink if you see an elected official on television not wearing an American flag pin on his/her lapel
- Drink when the age of any candidate eligible for Social Security benefits (62+) is mentioned
- Take a shot if an on-air prediction by one of the commentators is proved to be comically false while that commentator is still on the air
- Finish the bottle of whatever you're drinking if all the primaries of either major party are swept by one candidate... and then pray.
